Friday, January 30, 2009

Very Simulating

The staff at 1 Hour Martinizing has been working tirelessly to read every single page of the 900 billion dollar Obama Stimulus Package. By “working tirelessly” I mean, reading this bill makes us sleepy; which means we are actually tired, so we aren’t working tirelessly.

After reading the first part of it, we have renamed it the Stimulus Undermining Capitalism pacKage, or SUCK. What? There is a K in package…..

The following spending items are contained in SUCK.

650 Million dollars for Digital TV Coupons.

21 Million dollars for sod.

500 Million dollars to find the Lindbergh baby. *

32 Million dollars for Silly String at Congressional Parties. *

1.6 Billion dollars to purchase Gloria Vanderbilt perfume and Aquanet hairspray for the Speaker of the House. *

32 dollars for a bitchin Governor Blagojevich wig for Senator Harry Reid. *

1.8 billion dollars allocated to a Pez plant in Seattle.*

5 Bucks for you. *

300 Million dollars for research to create a recipe for “Spanish Fly.” *

We were also very disappointed to hear that in a meeting with Congressional Republicans; President Obama said “ You need to stop listening to 1 Hour Martinizing if you want to get things done.”

At first we were quite upset, until a source inside the meeting reminded us that Congressional Republicans rarely listen to conservatives.

* I made these up, but a study done by Michigan State University concluded that my made up plan is not any dumber than the actual plan, and would be just as effective to stimulate the economy.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

To All 1 Hour Martinizing Readers....

What a tremendous success the last few days have been. I have been simply overwhelmed by the positive feedback I have received from the thousands of people who have chosen 1 Hour Martinizing as their favorite place, for everything ever.

Let me share with you just a couple of the kind letters that I have received.

Dear 1 Hour Martinizing,

I was once just a poor, community organizer trying to make a difference in the city of Chicago. I didn’t know where to turn, I felt like I was going nowhere.

Then I found 1 Hour Martinizing. It gave me the confidence and swagger that made me get on with my bad self. I have reached the pinnacle of my career dreams. I owe it all to you. It not only changed my life, but as far as I can tell, it changed the entire human race. You are doing God’s work. Thank you, you complete me.

Barry Barrington
Regional Director
Regional Director Incorporated

There is more, check this out.

Dear 1 Hour Martinizing,

Just a short time ago, I was a beauty pageant contestant in the great state of Alaska. While on the outside I am kind of a hottie, my insides knew that my life had no meaning.

But then I found 1 Hour Martinizing. Did it change my life? You Betcha!

I am confident, self motivated, fertile, and have achieved so much in so little time. Some people even compare me to a pit bull, and wonder if I will ever just go away.

Your blog is the best. Other websites can imitate, but to me they are just trying to put lipstick on a pig. You are the wind beneath my wings.

Sandy Sanderson
Where Are They Now Foundation

Thank you to Barry and Sandy, and to all of you out there for making 1 Hour Martinizing what it is today, the single most influential political and lifestyle blog man has ever known.

God bless us one and all…

Monday, January 26, 2009

National Health Care, The New Government Cheese

You ever have government cheese? It looks gross. It smells gross. It comes in a big block, because the government can't figure out how to slice it efficiently. It's like Velveeta's red headed step child(my apologies to red headed step children, and to cheese lovers for referring to Velveeta as cheese.)

We have a new liberal president. So naturally the national debate will now turn to health care. The libs want national health care and they want it now. It sounds wonderful. The government will pay for your health care. The government can do it, right? Well to get a better feel for what national health care looks like, let us look to our red headed step child to the north, Canada (my apologies to red headed step children for comparing them to Canadians.)

This is from the CBCNEWS.CA;

"Despite government promises and the billions of dollars funnelled into the Canadian health-care system, the average patient waited more than 18 weeks in 2007 between seeing their family doctor and receiving the surgery or treatment they required," said Nadeem Esmail, director of Health System Performance Studies at the Fraser Institute and co-author of the report, in a release( )"

Here are more fun facts from the Frasier Institute report(a non-partisan group.) What if you need an MRI? That's a 10 week wait. If your doctor thinks you may have a brain tumor and sends you off for a CT scan, that's a 5 week wait. How would you like be a part of this conversation?

"Hey Mr. Johnson, we think you may have a brain tumor. We will know more in 5 weeks, have a nice day."

National health care is great, until you get sick.

But it's free, the government pays for it. Well that means we all pay for it.

"The average tax rate in Canada is higher than in the United States. In Canada total tax and non-tax revenue for every level of government equals about 37% of GDP, compared to the U.S. rate of 27%("

So long waits, rationed service and higher taxes. Sounds like a great plan!

I know some will say that we can do it better. But name me anything the government does better than the private sector?

Social Security (going bankrupt.)
Medicare (soon to be bankrupt.)
Disaster relief (there are still people on roofs in New Orleans.)
Blow up other countries(okay, they are good at that.)

There is no doubt something needs to be done about health insurance. Too many people don't have it, and those that are insured are struggling to pay high premiums and co-pays. But there is one thing that will bring costs down, competition. And that my friends can only be possible if it stays out of government hands. The private sector can provide good health care and make better cheese.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

It begins.......

Due to popular demand(2 people), I have created a blog. How exciting, another blogger! It's just what the world needs, that and Socialism(don't worry, that's on the way too)!

I will mentally vomit all over this screen, spewing my takes on current events, pop culture, entertainment, and my thoughts on writing a screenplay for Porky's 4. In my world it would star Tara Reid and Dustin Diamond. It would be the feel good hit of 2010.

Just a heads up, I am a right-winger. How right wing? If I could, I would marry Ann Coulter and carry her baby. And I acknowledge that we are now in a left-wing world, where we hug terrorists and wait for our big fat Obama checks in the mail. I have accepted this, but that will not stop me from criticizing the new guy as much as the libs bashed the last guy(I didn't care for the last guy either, except for that whole keeping us safe for the past 7 years thing).

Good night Saturday.....