President Lincoln Vetoed the First Ever Stimulus Package

We do not learn from history. When we say we, we are not referring to the staff at 1 Hour Martinizing. Most of us hold degrees in both History and Bad Assedness. That’s right; we just made up a word, assedness.

No what we really mean is that you do not learn from history. Not you of course, you are a devoted 1 Hour Martinizing reader. You really means America. You know America; it is watching American Idol right now. America is that person that can’t name the Speaker of the House or the Senate Majority Leader, but knows the names of all the kids on Jon and Kate Plus 8.

Abe Lincoln was born 200 years ago yesterday. As a tribute to Honest Abe, we want to dedicate this entry to him. Many people do not realize this, but Abe Lincoln vetoed the first stimulus package that Congress ever passed. It was called the Economic Stimulus Act of 1861. The following is just a portion of a note from President Lincoln to Congress explaining the veto.

“Our nation has entered a time of economic uncertainty. However, I feel that this legislation is an abomination, as it is wasteful of the people’s money.” –President Lincoln February 13, 1861

The bill contained the following spending items.

$20,000 to provide 1 busty wench for every member of Congress

$3000 to purchase “top notch” hooch

$5,000 for buggy whips

A $375 bailout for the pelt industry

$3000 for a sasparilla factory

A tax cut of 1 chicken per household

$250 to build a road

$200,000 for scurvy prevention

$9000 to buy tobaccy

$5000 to promote the phrase “Yee Haw” as the official government greeting

$4000 for hemp

Happy birthday Mr. President.

Very Simulating

The staff at 1 Hour Martinizing has been working tirelessly to read every single page of the 900 billion dollar Obama Stimulus Package. By “working tirelessly” I mean, reading this bill makes us sleepy; which means we are actually tired, so we aren’t working tirelessly.

After reading the first part of it, we have renamed it the Stimulus Undermining Capitalism pacKage, or SUCK. What? There is a K in package…..

The following spending items are contained in SUCK.

650 Million dollars for Digital TV Coupons.

21 Million dollars for sod.

500 Million dollars to find the Lindbergh baby. *

32 Million dollars for Silly String at Congressional Parties. *

1.6 Billion dollars to purchase Gloria Vanderbilt perfume and Aquanet hairspray for the Speaker of the House. *

32 dollars for a bitchin Governor Blagojevich wig for Senator Harry Reid. *

1.8 billion dollars allocated to a Pez plant in Seattle.*

5 Bucks for you. *

300 Million dollars for research to create a recipe for “Spanish Fly.” *

We were also very disappointed to hear that in a meeting with Congressional Republicans; President Obama said “ You need to stop listening to 1 Hour Martinizing if you want to get things done.”

At first we were quite upset, until a source inside the meeting reminded us that Congressional Republicans rarely listen to conservatives.

* I made these up, but a study done by Michigan State University concluded that my made up plan is not any dumber than the actual plan, and would be just as effective to stimulate the economy.