Friday, January 30, 2009

Very Simulating

The staff at 1 Hour Martinizing has been working tirelessly to read every single page of the 900 billion dollar Obama Stimulus Package. By “working tirelessly” I mean, reading this bill makes us sleepy; which means we are actually tired, so we aren’t working tirelessly.

After reading the first part of it, we have renamed it the Stimulus Undermining Capitalism pacKage, or SUCK. What? There is a K in package…..

The following spending items are contained in SUCK.

650 Million dollars for Digital TV Coupons.

21 Million dollars for sod.

500 Million dollars to find the Lindbergh baby. *

32 Million dollars for Silly String at Congressional Parties. *

1.6 Billion dollars to purchase Gloria Vanderbilt perfume and Aquanet hairspray for the Speaker of the House. *

32 dollars for a bitchin Governor Blagojevich wig for Senator Harry Reid. *

1.8 billion dollars allocated to a Pez plant in Seattle.*

5 Bucks for you. *

300 Million dollars for research to create a recipe for “Spanish Fly.” *

We were also very disappointed to hear that in a meeting with Congressional Republicans; President Obama said “ You need to stop listening to 1 Hour Martinizing if you want to get things done.”

At first we were quite upset, until a source inside the meeting reminded us that Congressional Republicans rarely listen to conservatives.

* I made these up, but a study done by Michigan State University concluded that my made up plan is not any dumber than the actual plan, and would be just as effective to stimulate the economy.

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