Saturday, February 21, 2009

What Did We Learn This Week?

This was quite a week. What did we learn?

1) People pay more attention to the Facebook Terms of Use than what is in Congressional Legislation.

2) Soon, I may pay your mortgage.

3) The Attorney General thinks I am a coward on race.

4) Your government may use GPS to keep track of how many miles you drive, and tax you based on mileage. Don't worry, it won't keep track of Al Qaeda cars. That would violate their rights.

5) Democrats not only want to censor talk radio, but they want to censor the internet.

6) Even CNBC thinks President Obama is out of control.

7) It is not a good time to own stock in a bank.

8) The Mayor of Chicago wants a camera on every street corner in his city.

9) You can not keep a chimp as a pet. No matter how much lobster you feed it, no matter how many times you let it sleep in your bed, a chimpanzee is still a wild animal.

10) Things aren't good.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Big Changes, Name Changed, Staff Fired.....

A Letter to 1 Hour Martinizing Readers,

Well it has been a bad weekend for America. The stimulus package that could not wait, passed without you being able to read it. However, don't feel bad about not reading it, not one member of Congress read it either.

The bigger and more important news is that I had to change the name of the blog. You see, 1 Hour Martinizing is actually a name of a franchise, who knew? Now that this blog has a following of several hundred thousands, I do not want to get dragged through the legal system. I will leave that to Democrats who try and sell Senate seats. So I changed the name.

Also, because of the tough economy, I had to lay off the 1234 people who brought you this fine example of the new media. It is just me now. Don't worry, I still have the corporate jet.

RFC radio (Radio for Conservatives) launches today. I have added it to the blog, it is on the upper right hand corner. Click it and give her a listen!

Thank you to the many fine people who read this thing. There are more changes to come.

Sincerely,

Fingers Malloy

Friday, February 13, 2009

President Lincoln Vetoed the First Ever Stimulus Package

We do not learn from history. When we say we, we are not referring to the staff at 1 Hour Martinizing. Most of us hold degrees in both History and Bad Assedness. That’s right; we just made up a word, assedness.

No what we really mean is that you do not learn from history. Not you of course, you are a devoted 1 Hour Martinizing reader. You really means America. You know America; it is watching American Idol right now. America is that person that can’t name the Speaker of the House or the Senate Majority Leader, but knows the names of all the kids on Jon and Kate Plus 8.

Abe Lincoln was born 200 years ago yesterday. As a tribute to Honest Abe, we want to dedicate this entry to him. Many people do not realize this, but Abe Lincoln vetoed the first stimulus package that Congress ever passed. It was called the Economic Stimulus Act of 1861. The following is just a portion of a note from President Lincoln to Congress explaining the veto.

“Our nation has entered a time of economic uncertainty. However, I feel that this legislation is an abomination, as it is wasteful of the people’s money.” –President Lincoln February 13, 1861


The bill contained the following spending items.

$20,000 to provide 1 busty wench for every member of Congress

$3000 to purchase “top notch” hooch

$5,000 for buggy whips

A $375 bailout for the pelt industry

$3000 for a sasparilla factory

A tax cut of 1 chicken per household

$250 to build a road

$200,000 for scurvy prevention

$9000 to buy tobaccy

$5000 to promote the phrase “Yee Haw” as the official government greeting

$4000 for hemp

Happy birthday Mr. President.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Nancy Pelosi's 25 Random Things About Me

1 Hour Martinizing is a hard hitting, fact finding, truth spilling machine. It is not some kind of gossip rag like Us Weekly or the New York Times. For example, we passed on the New York Times story that reported Governor Palin’s son Trigg is actually a robot created by Exxon Mobil.

However, sometimes we like to take a day to get away from politics as usual. As many of you who have a Facebook or MySpace account know, 25 Random Things About Me is sweeping the world. Actually it can get to be pretty annoying. Every day, millions of people are tagged to look at meaningless facts about their friends and neighbors.

Today we were given a 25 Random Things About Me authored by the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. The person who gave us this letter wanted to remain anonymous. From now on, he or she will be referred to as Deep Throat 2, the Wrath of Kahn. We will post it below, and hope that you learn something about our Madam Speaker.

25 Random Things About Me – Nancy Pelosi

1. I am Speaker of the House.
2. I once asked George W. Bush “boxers or briefs?”
3. I count Harry Reids when I can’t sleep at night.
4. I think abortion should be legal up to the 53rd trimester.
5. I shot a man in the Reno, just to watch him die.
6. I get 500 million and 500 thousand mixed up.
7. I spend 500 million like it’s 500 thousand.
8. I love Aquanet! (Editor’s note, this was reported earlier in a 1 Hour Martinizing exclusive.)
9. My favorite band is Dexy’s Midnight Runner.
10. I’m watching you.
11. Yes you.
12. For years I thought Majority Whip was a dessert topping.
13. Barack Obama is my new BFF and he is like, TOTALLY a cutie.
14. I put orange marmalade on everything.
15. I brake for bingo.
16. I once played 7 minutes in heaven with Ted Kennedy.
17. I once vomited after 7 minutes in heaven with Ted Kennedy.
18. OMG! Bill Clinton just walked into my office and offered to show me his stimulus package.
19. I live in San Francisco; there is nothing funny about that.
20. I own a time share in Florida with Rush Limbaugh (shh, don’t tell anyone.)
21. I own a Hummer H3, but to make up for it I hug a tree daily.
22. For six years I had a secret crush on Dick Cheney.
23. I have 1 tattoo. It is a tramp stamp of Tip O’Neill’s face.
24. I call my husband Stedman just to piss him off.
25. I get all of my news from 1 Hour Martinizing!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

New Era of Responsibility

We were saddened to see Tom Daschle withdraw his nomination on Tuesday to be President Obama's Health and Human Services Secretary. Many people have been making fun of a couple of President Obama’s Cabinet nominees because they failed to pay a small percentage of their income taxes. We here at 1 Hour Martinizing are above such folly.

We got a direct message on Twitter from a high ranking member of the Obama Administration. I can’t say his name, but it rhymes with Dom Himmanugel. He gave us the name of the new nominee for Health and Human Services Secretary. We were assured that he has a better track record with the IRS than Daschle. We wish Mr. Wesley Snipes the best of luck.

On the lighter side of the news, President Obama was on NBC again. He said he “screwed up” by nominating a couple of people to serve on his cabinet who forgot to pay their taxes. In a show of solidarity, NBC released a statement claiming that it too has screwed up before, and is sorry for the following;

MSNBC
Clash of the Choirs
Veronica’s Closet
Mad About You
Freeks & Geeks
DAG
The Michael Richards Show
The XFL
American Gladiators (with Hulk Hogan)
Average Joe
The Apprentice (Martha Stewart)
The Book of Daniel
Joey
Celebrity Cooking Showdown
Imus in the Morning
The Real Wedding Crashers
Jay Leno
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Thank God You’re Here
Grease: You’re the One That I Want
Fear Factor
Tucker Carlson
My Own Worst Enemy
Lipstick Jungle
Rosie Live!!!!
Knight Rider (Remake)
Keith Olbermann
And for canceling Alf.

This truly is a new era of responsibility…..

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Super Bowl Lauer/Obama Interview, The Anti-Frost/Nixon

Well it was that time of year again, the Super Bowl. We here at 1 Hour Martinizing decided to take a day off from doing our research in our continuing effort to bring you the best political commentary in our nation’s history. It was not an easy decision; we know how much we mean to you. However, we are all human, and the hundreds of people that bring you 1 Hour Martinizing needed to let loose. The 1 Hour Martinizing Super Bowl party was off the hook y'all!

We thought it would be a day without politics. That came crashing to a halt during hour 16 of the NBC Super Bowl Pre-Game Show, when Matt Lauer interviewed President Obama, live!

At that point, we knew that our hard earned break had come to an end. This is NBC and Matt Lauer, interviewing President Obama. We figured it would be entertaining and we were not disappointed. Here is a partial transcript from the interview. I must confess that none of us had a pen or notebook; it was a Super Bowl party remember? This is what we heard and how we remember the interview.

Matt Lauer: Good evening Mr. President.

President Obama: Hello Matt.

Matt Lauer: (looking into the camera) Oh my God he called me Matt! This is too cool!

President Obama: Relax Matt. We have done this before. And will you please stop trying to hump my leg.

Matt: But I did it during the whole campaign, why stop now?

President Obama: It’s not Presidential Matt, will you please just start the interview.

Matt: Sorry Mr. President. May I call you President Awesome?

President Obama: Sure Matt, whatever makes you comfortable.

Matt: President Awesome, what makes you so awesome?

President Obama: Matt, it’s important that we get the stimulus package passed.

Matt: You received not one Republican vote in the House last week? Why do the Republicans suck?

President Awesome: Matt, that was close to a real question, and I told you earlier I will not answer a real question.

Matt: You had me at hello.

President Awesome: This interview is over.

Matt: I wish I knew how to quit you.

President Awesome: Okay now you have to go.


It gets a little fuzzy after that because we stopped caring, but that is how we remember it. If you missed it, President Awesome will be on the Today Show tomorrow.